Physician with a Heart

Hello, friends.

To describe my week, it has been nothing but very dragging and exhausting. All because of the incoming holidays, my mind can’t keep up with the school responsibilities. I’m always tardy, I nap during lectures, I am forced to go on duty and make my clinical formulation and the worst is, I haven’t been studying the  number of chapters to read because I find it so lengthy and boring. I feel worthless and all the more I feel ineffective because of the rainy weather. I guess my brain is already on vacation mode. Of course, I do feel guilty of not studying but I shouldn’t only be studying just to pass the exam, I should be studying to learn, to help my future patients and become a good doctor.

Because of my deep reflection which happened a while ago, I remembered this certain doctor who had a memorial lecture on our school. I can remember so well his encouraging talk. He said that the path we chose on becoming a doctor is not an easy one and that it is difficult to defy. And on our daily journey as doctors, there will be challenges that are difficult to face and our character will be tested. However, we shouldn’t be worried when facing such challenges because day by day this will sharpen us to be a better version of ourselves. However, I realized that the more I am almost done with medical school, the more I feel so inadequate and that my brain has 0% information. I feel like I have become a monster: so lazy, complacent and undisciplined. Well, not all the time. Haha.

Being a medical student means we are always struggling just to get through the year after the other especially on the never-ending reading and studying that this profession requires. “Cover to cover, over and over.” But I realized that studying will be more hard beyond the four walls of my school, especially when I am left on my own to deal with my patients.

I realized that I should complain less with the number of books to read or study for the upcoming exam because there is a far more difficult test waiting for me in the real world, and if the power of five books is already too much for me to handle, then maybe, I am not fit to face the real challenge.

From the thick medical books to the thinnest of journals and papers. They are there to constantly update us with the new research discoveries, may it be new diseases, new equipment or new procedures. A doctor myself must be equipped with the essential tools as to not cause unnecessary harm on my patients, and by tools, I mean knowledge, updated knowledge.

Medicine has not been and will never be about the grades. It is actually the passion to help and care for others that will be the measure of one’s ability to become a good physician. That passion will be the driving force for every medical student to strive in school, not because he wants to get good grades, but because he wants to learn all aspects of human health in order to deliver the best care he can for his future patients. In that way, we will never get tired studying and reading. Of course, we do get tired but if our thoughts are sync with this idea then no matter how tired we are, we will still be happy and contented at the very end of day.

 

Medical student feels

The more I read, the more I feel so inadequate. I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. Can I still do this for the next years to come?

Yet despite this internal battle I face daily while learning in medlical school, almost always when the tears just barely begin to well up in my eyes, a feeling of peace overwhelms me. Maybe I’m inadequate. Maybe I’m not good or smart enough and maybe I can’t do this…

BUT..

With my God, nothing is impossible. And with Him, all things are possible. The things that were only asked of me to do is to just take up my cross daily, follow and love Him, which right now, as much as I don’t like some of the things that I am doing- missing important events, staying up late to complete paperworks and read tons of chapters, getting stressed out with clinics, etc., means I need to do my part and try my hardest to learn this material to the best of my ability. All I can ask of myself is my best effort, and God will take care of the rest.

In a world and a life with so much uncertainty and unexpected challenges, I find comfort that my worries are irrational in light of a God that will see me through any and all circumstances and will never abandon me.

And so, I press on, trying to replace my worries with God’s love and grace, which, no matter what happens, will protect and carry me wherever this crazy life should take me.