Never knew that a list of crisis was in store for me this year 2020. The year pretty much started out well but early March was the one that I didn’t see it coming- a disaster that would push me straight to the pit. It started out as having a dilemma with trivial things related to my career (where to take the board exam, should I rest and do moonlighting or go to residency program, when and where will I settle, etc.), then, COVID19 happened which affected my Postgraduate Internship Program, meaning, the future is uncertain. I began to question my life’s decisions. I was broken. It was hard taking it all together.
I thought suppressing was a good defense mechanism and that I’ll just get away with it. Well, not when you have to undergo the process of Quarantine as mandated by the government. More idle time means more time to reflect and be with your emotions. Therefore, I have to find ways to divert my attention towards my emotions but the wee hours were the hardest as the vicious cycle of ruminating keeps on slowly creeping in and I end up weeping. As days passed by, the burden became so heavy. It began to take its toll on me. I felt alone inside this pit. It was pitch black down there. I wanted someone to pick me up but not any of my family, friends nor somebody can literally pull me out. It was a battle that I have to deal on my own.
Day and night I prayed and cried to God because the pain demands to be felt. I asked Him to enter the shattered places of my heart. I allowed Him to shed light to those dark places. I realized that we don’t always need to have it together. Life is hard. We know that. Yet, we can be vulnerable. No need to suppress the pain and make people think that we are perfectly fine. We’re not living to impress but to progress.
However, God has His own way of answering prayers. I was listening to one of Peter Tan-Chi’s sermon when he quoted,
He emphasized that the battle is always in the mind. Wow, how timely! My melancholic personality is a strength but it can also be a weakness if I am not careful. We are a product of the way we think, so we should take every thought captive because the moment we start to believe the lies of the devil or untruths about God, it will immediately show in our actions. Indeed, wrong thinking produces wrong behavior and emotions.
What did I do?
I surrendered and grieved. It helps heal our hearts. Jesus himself was also a “man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” Cry. Be alone. Get down in your knees and let the tears freely come. It is the right way to treat your brokenness. Allow yourself to feel again. Anger? That’s okay. Anger’s not a sin but be careful not to sin because of it (Ephesians 4:26). Trust me, you’ll be surprised that no more tears will come out from those lacrimal glands because it’s already worn out and dehyrdrated. LOL.
What did I learn from this season I am in?
I may not be where I want to be right now, but I am exactly where I need to be in this season. No season is ever wasted if we are under God’s will. I am called for such a time as this- to grow in whatever season God has for me. Instead of asking God why, I should try asking Him what He is trying to teach me. “God, what do you want me to do?”
Whether we’re at the highest mountaintop in our lives or we feel like we’re in the deepest valley walking alone, each season creates something in us that allows for self healing, growth, reflection, and complete reliance on God. I realized not to belittle the season we’re walking through but to embrace it. To have teachable hearts. Willing to listen and move or to just be still. Get lost in God’s presence and trusts Him when He says, “Everything will be alright.” Make ourselves home in His arms.
If you’re reading this and is feeling the same emotions that I am going through. Take the time to process your emotions. It’s okay to cry but continue to stay close to God as you continue to allow Him to lead you. Know that His presence is constant and He has his very best for us. Although His timing may not be convenient for us, just know He’s got something way better planned. Don’t mistake His patience for His absence. He hears you. He sees you. He’s doing things that are seen and unseen. Sometimes it’s hard to focus on His promises because- life. But I assure you that if you seek Him with your whole heart, you will find Him.